Aro Vs Caius
by Rath101
Summary: What do the three Volturi brothers get up to when Stephanie Meyer isn't around to record it...?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Jokes.**

**Summary: What do the three Volturi brothers get up to when Stephanie Meyer isn't around to record it?**

**A/N: I suggest you read 'Buried Alive' before you read this. You might not get everything otherwise.**

**ARO POV:**

Another boring day…

I sighed dramatically.

No one to kill, I'd already eaten them. No vampires to prosecute, because they've all been good. No friends to call, since I have none. No Felix around, he's on a mission. No life from Marcus, because Didyme is dead. No annoying Caius because - I have no reason not to… Bingo!

I glanced over at Caius who was slumped in his seat looking utterly bored. I thought of ways to stir him…

"Caius, dear brother, why do you look so glum?" I asked.

His eyes flickered to me. "Are you seriously asking me that question?"

I placed a finger on my chin and pretended to look thoughtful. "Yes, I believe I am."

He glared at me. "We have no food to eat, no vampires to kill, no entertainment. NOTHING. And you're asking me why I look glum?"

"Yes." I said, pretending to still be waiting for an answer.

He looked at me as if I was stupid. "I answered your question."

I pretended to rerun his words in my head… "No you didn't. You just listed what we don't have."

He groaned. "Marcus, he's your brother not mine. Try to show him the stupidity of his ways."

I mock gasp. "The stupidity of _my_ ways? Oh brother dear… you're not thinking of joining Carlisle's diet are you? That's preposterous! I see no stupidity in my ways only in the ways you considering." I huffed and turned my back on him and looked at Marcus. "Dear my favourite brother, how are you?"

"Planning my suicide so I can get away from you." He said emotionlessly.

I heard Caius snicker. "You and me both."

I pretended not to hear either of them. "That's good Marcus. Shall we talk about what happened at the charity fund party yesterday?"

Caius groaned. "No thank you. We already heard what you and Sulpicia were up to in the garden. Marcus has ordered the garden burned and to be replaced. We also heard what you did in the game room. It's being demolished as we speak and another is being rebuilt on the other side of the castle."

That's little pompous! How dare he burn things my wife and I lay claim upon!

"No offence, brother. But nobody what's to touch the stuff you and your wife screw each other on."

That's does it. I stood up. "Come here, Caius." I beckoned.

He looked cautious. So he should. "Why?"

"It's okay, I won't hurt you."

"That's what you always say and then you hurt me."

"I just want to tell you something I won't tell Marcus."

He shot off the chair and was next to me in a millisecond. I touched his hand and grinned sadistically.

Marcus sighed. "Caius, really the amount of times he does that you should have learned by now."

I looked at Caius's mortified face. "Please don't." he asked.

I sat back down. "GUARDS!" I yelled.

My guards were there in less than a second.

"Do Aro and I'll kill you?"

"Caius loves puppy dogs, rainbows and butterflies as well as ducks!"

It went silent.

I heard Caius growl and a few snickers from the guard.

"Seriously?" asked a few of them.

Caius lunged at me. "Your dead, Paper skin boy!"

I dodged his attack and started trying to fight him without touching him. I'd rather not double cross with his power at the moment.

**MARCUS POV:**

How did I end up with two brothers as such?

I watched as they tried to slap each other but too afraid to make actually skin contact. Aro was afraid that Caius will erase his memories and only leave certain ones he'd rather forget. Caius, so Aro doesn't know anymore then he already does.

The fight looked ridiculous and was pathetic.

Suddenly Aro stopped. "Let's settle it as the teenagers do these days!"

Caius groaned. "There's no way I'm doing that."

Aro yelled. _"Yo momma's so fat stead of eating eggs and bacon she eats a chicken and a pig."_

Caius roared with rage. _"Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials."_

Aro gasped. _"Yo momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale"_

"_Yo momma's so fat, at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies 'yes please'"_

"_Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water."_

"_Yo momma's so fat, when she went to get a water bed; they put a blanket across Lake Michigan."_

"_Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out."_

"_Yo momma's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells 'Stampede!'"_

"_Yo momma's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic."_

"_Yo mama so fat, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step."_

"_Yo momma's so fat that her belly button makes an echo."_

"_Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at sea world."_

"_Yo momma's so fat when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up again"_

"_Yo momma's so fat that when the whales saw her they started singing 'we are family'"_

This is ridiculous. They do know they have the same mother right?

I sighed. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

"_Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise."_

"_Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone."_

"_Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say 'Taxi!'"_

"Sulpicia! Athenodora!" I called.

Suddenly the wives ran in. "Yes, Marcus?" They both asked in unison.

I internally chuckled. "They were saying 'Your wife' jokes." I lied.

They growled with rage, and started stalking towards their petrified husbands.

"Marcus, tell the truth, now!" Hissed Caius.

The wives looked at me for truth.

"Marcus, if you don't your lovely brothers will die." Aro tried to reason.

"Oh hell yeah they did."

The wives dragged their screaming and pleading husbands out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

**MARCUS:**

They're at it again.

"But it's not against the law to cheat on your mate! They've done nothing wrong!" Bellowed Aro.

"I don't care. I haven't killed anyone in a week and I'm desperate to kill something."

"Go kill a rabbit."

"They're no fun."

I sighed. See what I have to live with? Everyday…. Until the end of eternity…

"Then let's settle this as I saw siblings do the other day in the market."

"Oh, yeah? And what would that be?"

After Aro explain the rules Caius nodded and joined in.

"_1, 2, 3,4, I declare a thumb war! 5, 6, 7, 8, why don't we negotiate?!" _

With that said, started the ultimate vampire speed and strength thumb war.

They attacked each other's thumbs standing up and pushing each other into walls…. Oh, look at that. There is a Aro shape whole in the wall now… Sulpicia won't be happy when she sees that…

"AHA!" Caius was pushed down the stairs, into a wall, through a window and fell three meters into the floor! "Thank you Jane!" Aro cheered, holding down Caius's thumb for no more than two seconds.

Caius, getting over his momentary shock pulled his thumb out from under Aro's. "So that's how you want to play, huh? Take this!"

Aro suddenly stopped and looked around. "What the douche?"

Caius pinned his thumb down for three seconds and gave a warrior cry. "Take that, Aro! WOOT!"

"GUARDS!" Caius called. "Bring the bitch in here and kill the adulteress."

The guards dragged the woman in and burned her after ripping her apart… then they left.

Aro looked between his thumb, Caius and the pile of ashes. "What the douche?"

He grabbed Caius's hand and slowly his memories returned. He scowled at Caius. "Uncalled for." with that he pouted.

I internally chuckled… wait for it…. NOW!

"ARO!" yelled Sulpicia, walking through the Aro shape whole in the wall and Aro and Caius made during the thumb wars. "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WALL?!"

Aro's mouth was bobbing up and down resembling that of a fish. "My dear, please be reasonable-"

"I BOUGHT THE BEST ARCHITECTURE IN THE WORLD TO BUILD THAT WALL AND HE WASN'T CHEAP! IT WAS SO WELL DONE!"

"Didn't look that good before either." mumbled Aro.

AHA, he's dead.

Sulpicia's eyes left fury and became murderous. "Really? Let's see what your Barbie dolls look like after I burn them." she hisses, stalking towards Aro.

Aro's eyes went wide. "You wouldn't."

"I would. Caius. Marcus-" I nodded "-Pin him down."

We did just that.

"No! I've been collecting them since 1959! Noooooooo!"

Sulpicia ran off towards their chamber as Caius and I held down a screaming Aro. He had tears of venom in his eyes.

The scent of burning plastic hit my nose… internally, I smiled sadistically.

Sulpicia returned dusting off her hands. "Release him." She ordered.

No sooner than we did Aro ran for his chambers, howling once he got there.

….

"Sooooo…. Aro collects Barbies?" Caius smirked.

"We'll-" Sulpicia began "-He used to."

They both started laughing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

**Marcus POV**:

Here, in Volterra, in the garden of a large castle that withholds the Volturi and the brothers and guards, Caius and Aro are fighting but with competitions… again. But Alas, for it was unlike any fight ever seen before…

Aro and Caius are playing hopscotch. But it was a vampire version… Instead on jumping from square to square, they're jumping from building to building…

Sigh.

How do I live with this? How do those pathetic humans never notice sparkling people jumping from roof to roof?"

Demetri stepped forward to set the rules. "Okay, here are the rules. No contact, no powers, no allowing humans to see you, no falling, no skipping a building. All other sorts of skills to stop the opposing player are allowed. Let's have a good match everyone." With that he walked to the side.

"Aro, give it up. You won't win." Claimed Caius.

"On your marks..."

"Oh, really? Well I like a challenge." He said, both on them standing on their marks.

"Get set…."

"Bring it on, old man." Caius snickered and Aro gasped.

"Go!"

Caius sprinted off already two building away when Aro gets over his initial shock. Aro chased after him, trying desperately to get ahead.

The guard was screaming 'Distract him' or something else along those lines.

"Caius! You look awful fat in those pants!" Aro yelled.

Caius stopped mid-air, fell back on the roof and touched his butt to see if it was true...

The guard snickered.

Aro ran passed Caius making there only five buildings left.

Caius growled. "At least it's the pants and not really me… I can't say the same for you."

Aro hissed but didn't stop.

Caius's mind seemed to be going a thousand miles an hour.

"I nailed your wife."

Aro stopped and slowly turned his head to a gaining Caius. "What?" He said lethally.

"Sulpicia. Damn that woman's a cat in the sack." Caius whistled.

Aro lunged at Caius but he dodged him, quickly taking the lead.

"Damnit!" cursed Aro, trying to catch up.

Aro's foot twisted and he fell over with a quick yell. "My ankle!"

Caius immediately stopped. "Aro!" He called worried, running back to his brother.

Aro clutched his ankle pretending to cry as Caius hovered over him, not sure what to do.

"Help me up brother dearest." Aro said, holding up his hand.

When Caius grabbed it to help him up, Aro pulled him down onto the roof and sprinted off.

"Vampires can't get hurt, bitch!"

Caius growled and mumbled something about 'Being seriously worried' and chased after Aro.

Aro crossed over to the last building and starts cheering. Caius steps in just behind him.

Everyone cheers for Aro. They picked him up and carried him around.

I chuckle internally. "Hate to be a party pooper but remember the rules? I believe one of them was no physical contact."

Everyone stopped and looked between me and Caius. They dropped Aro mercilessly and ran to Caius and picked him up, cheering.

After the excitement died down Aro walked up to Caius. "You didn't really sleep with my wife did you?"

Caius smirked. "I fucked her stupid."

Aro growled and slapped him. Aro's eyes went wide when he read Caius's memories and discovered the truth.

"Sorry, brother. But it was your own stupid fault." With that, Aro walked off.

I sighed…

I wonder what'll happen next.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Star Wars.**

**A/N: I think you'll need to be slightly obsessed with Star wars to understand this chapter.**

**Marcus POV:**

"Today will be a day long remembered. It has seen the death of Kenobi, and soon the fall of the rebellion." Aro said, dressed in a Darth Vader suit.

Heidi, Demetri, Jane, Alec and Felix were playing the theme song on a variety of instruments in the background.

Caius was dress as Luke…

"You bet I could. I'm not such a bad pilot myself." Caius said.

I sighed. This is ridiculous.

"When I left you I was but the learner. Now I am the master."

"I have a very bad feeling about this."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

"I didn't hear you give any ideas."

"Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."

"Come on. Why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them."

I could imagine myself bagging my head against a table.

"Brothers…" I started.

"What?!" Caius snapped. "Can't you see we're role playing?!"

"Yes, I can see that. But it doesn't usually count as role playing when you're just saying random lines…" I sighed at my brother's stupidity.

Honestly, how could you not feel sorry for me?

Aro sighed. "Aside the point, brother dearest. Now, Luke, how about we settle this battle?"

Caius/Luke nodded,

They then pulled out these sticks that suddenly had laser beams sticking out of them. They attempted to do tricks that I think were supposed to be cool but they just kept dropping them or hitting themselves only to cause them to wail in pain from the electricity shock.

They swung the light sabers around and with each swing it caused a sound that could only be described as a house fly buzzing past you. It's rather annoying.

They charged at each other and started a one-on-one fight to the 'death'.

"Go baby!" cheered Athenodora, playing the role of the supportive housewife.

"Come one! Kick his ass!" Screamed Sulpicia, suddenly very competitive.

They continued charging at each other, neither of them getting anywhere.

"Caius! Be safe!" Athenodora begged. Caius scoffed at that.

"This is taking too long!" Screamed a frustrated Sulpicia. My thoughts exactly. "Let's speed things up! Whoever wins gets to spend an entire day with the wife of his choice! Or both…" she said cheekily.

The brothers both stopped and looked between the wives and then each other. They growled and charged again.

After another five minutes I was getting pissed.

"Jane." I called.

She stopped her instrument and looked at me. "Yes, sir?"

"Get me one of those things."

She got a mischievous look on her face and threw me a life sabres.

I caught it easily and approached my moronic brothers.

"Brothers." I said. They ignored me.

I shrugged. This'll make it easier then.

I flipped Caius onto his behind with the life sabres and smashed him across the head with it. I then struck a shocked Aro across the head and he went flying backwards. He fell to the floor next to a groaning and moaning Caius and joined in with the groans.

"Traitor..." he managed to get out.

"WOOT!" I heard the wives cheer.

They then proceeded to wrap an arm around me each throwing insults at their husbands such as; "Marcus is a real man." Or "Marcus could kick your ass any day" and a very disturbing one "I wonder what he's like in bed…"

She girls then led me from the room and I let a small and barely noticeable smile creep on my face.

_I don't even try and I always get the girls that aren't even mine…_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Simon, Lil' Ben & Jordan for their 'singing' ability.**

**Marcus POV:**

I felt like massaging my forehead of the impossible impending headache that I could feel occurring. I wanted to rip my ears out.

Aro and Caius, we not fighting today. Some might say WHOOPIE-DOO! I say;

Hell is better than this.

My brothers were no more than a foot away from me with one arm slung around each other and were performing tongue twisters for the entire guard to watch. If that's not weird enough, they've decided to sing it… Opera style.

"Hoooooow much woooooood wooouuuld a woooooodchuck chuck if a wooooooooodchuck coooooould chooooop Wooood?!" They sang, sounding like a bunch of drunken men walking from a bar, slurring and tumbling all the way home.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chop wood? Why can't you just say it like that? Away from me? Away from Verona? Away from the country? The WORLD?

"Good one brother!" Caius complimented.

"Thank you, my jolly good friend!" Aro laughed.

"Let's do another one!"

"YES!"

"Miiiiiiiissssssssss Piiiiippppppppppplllllee Poooooppple Poooooppppeeedd a peeebbbbllllleee in poooooooooooooorr Poooollllllllllllllllly Peppppppppperrrrrrs Eyyyye!" they finished so high pitched even I visibly flinched.

"Again?!"

"YES!"

"IIIIIII MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSS S MYYYYYYYYYYY SWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS MIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS AND MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SWIIIIISSSSS MIIIIISSSSS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSEEE ESSSS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

I was sick of it already! "Enough!" I yelled. The room suddenly went dreary silent.

Aro looked at Caius. "My word! Did our dear brother Marcus just speak?!"

"I believe so!" Caius replied.

They both nodded their heads to each other and ran towards me.

"Can you say 'My favourite brother Aro'?" Aro cooed.

Caius glared at him. "I'm Marcus's favourite, not you!"

Aro gasped. "How dare you! Marcus just said his first words and you're sad it wasn't 'Caius'?"

"HE NEVER SAID CAIUS?!" Caius yelled.

Aro started dry sobbing. "Our darling brother just said his first words and you're denying it? Shouldn't we be happy his talking at all?"

Caius looked slightly guilty. "Well, it's good he's talking-"

Aro cut him off poking his chest. "Did I not do the best I could when he was being turned?!"

"Well, you did-"

"Did I not nurse him when a loved one died?!"

"Of course you did! But I did too-"

"AND WAS I NOT THE ONE THAT PUT UP WITH YOU OVER A HUNDRED YEARS FOR HIM?!" Aro, dry sobbed hysterically, mumbling about 'wasted time' and 'lost dreams'.

Caius looked heartbroken. "You mean… we're only together because of him…?"

Aro looked at him in what I assumed to be a vampires version on blood shot eyes. "Yes!"

"Home wrecking whore!" Caius yelled.

"Excuse me?!"

"You've led me on for how many centuries?! You bitch!"

Aro gasped. "How can you call me that?!"

"I have every right to!"

They continued arguing and the guard slowly went back to doing whatever they were forced to watch an 'opera' I wouldn't be paid to see.

I walked away smiling. At least it didn't feel as if my ears were bleeding anymore.


End file.
